Great Literature According to Thunderbird
by Red Witch
Summary: A spin off from 'No Mutant is an Island'. The XMen come up with interesting interpretations of some of the most over used novels in English class!
1. Catcher in the Riot

**I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters or any great American Novels. There was this point in my fic, "No Mutant is an Island" where John Proudstar has a unique interpretation of the novel The Great Gatsby. Well then Raventwelve gave me an idea and I decided to run with it. Thanks Raventwelve! See I do take requests every now and then. **

Xavier: Of course we try to discourage her for obvious reasons. We'd better get the lawyers…

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Any opinions about Literature are not mine. Blame my deranged imagination colliding with my degree in English. You have been warned. 

**Great Literature According To Thunderbird**

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Chapter One: Catcher in the Riot:

"Well here we are in class again," John sighed as he slumped down behind his desk. "Anybody wanna discuss any stupid book or should we all go to sleep and pretend we actually did something?" 

"Sleep is good," Tabitha said.

"But this is English class," Kurt said. "We should be discussing literature."

"Fine have a discussion with yourself," Ray said putting his head on the desk. "Let the rest of us sleep." 

"But Mr. Proudstar…" Kurt pleaded.

"All right, all right already," John groaned. "We'll talk about any book you want. Geeze what's the matter with kids today? So what book has got you all fired up enough to disrupt our naps here kid?" 

"Well I was reading the Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger…" Kurt began.

"Oh **that **book!" John groaned. "A book **not **to lose sleep over!" 

"But it's a really good book!" Kurt said as he held the book up. 

"If your definition of good is wasting a few hours of your day while reading it then yes it is," John grumbled.

"I would have thought you'd like this book," Amara asked. "I mean it does have a lot of swears in it."

"I admit that's a good start but this thing just goes on and on and on," John groaned. 

"But it's an all about existentialism," Kurt said.

"What does that mean?" Bobby asked. 

"It means the writer just wrote down a lot of stuff that popped into his head to fill up chapters," John told him. "Which is a good way to fill up pages."

"No," Kurt shook his head. "It deals with a person against himself, others and the world." 

"Geeze this guy sounds like he'll fight with just about anyone," Ray remarked. 

"He and Magneto would get along like a house on fire," Rogue said. 

"Okay I remember this book now," John said. "And I gotta admit when I first started it I thought it had a lot of promise. It's about this snotty little prep school reject named Holden Caulfield who gets kicked out of school in the first chapter. He doesn't even care because he can't stand dealing with a bunch of hypocritical phonies who look down on him all the time."

"I know exactly how he feels," Jesse groaned. 

"But then he goes on and on babbling about anything and everything that goes on into his head," John groaned. "I mean the kid over analyzes **everything**. For example, he's got a choice when he's first kicked out: Either stay in school an extra three days or get the hell out of there. He actually debates this! Like it's a tough decision? Okay pop quiz, how many of you would get out of a dump like that the second you get expelled?"

All the students held up their hands. "I rest my case," John nodded and folded his arms. "But this nitwit goes on and on. Make up your freaking mind already! It's a no brainer! Why does he keep going on and on and babble…?"

"Well that's the style," Kurt said. "It's called stream of consciousness."

"More like stream of unconsciousness," John snorted. "Which is what you end up after reading this book." 

"But it deals with a boy's emotional and mental state as he grows up," Kurt said.

"More like the mental state of an emotional brat who needs to **grow up**," John said. "Listen, in this book the kid constantly whines and complains about how everybody's a phony. Nobody really means what they say and everything. And what does he do? He goes around New York for three days lying his head off to everybody! He's a hypocrite who complains about hypocrites which is the worst kind of hypocrite!" 

"Tell it like it is!" Ray cheered. 

"Exactly," John nodded. "Take the scene where he's in the museum and he sees those figures of Native Americans. Then he complains how they never really change. Hello! It's a friggin' exhibit! It's not supposed to change! Duh!"

"Well maybe it was written to show how people were trapped in the old ways?" Kurt thought aloud. 

"Well maybe some people like to hold on to some of the old ways," John continued. "Did you ever think of that? Change is not always good!"

"That's true in our case," Rogue groaned. 

"Yeah the more things change the worse they get!" Bobby said.

"Exactly!" John snapped. "I don't know why people wanna ban this book because of its dialogue! It's as boring as hell! In fact there's only one way I know to liven up this book!" He tossed it out the window. 

"Well he sure makes literature come alive, I'll give him that," Tabitha remarked. 

"TAKE THAT YOU STUPID NOVEL!" John shouted. He tossed another book out the window. "Okay who can hit the books?" Jubilee shot out her fireworks at it out the window. "Good shot! Who's up next for some target practice?" 

"And another great moment in literature is witnessed in class," Kurt sighed. 

**All right so do I have any requests? What novels did you really hate studying in school or still study? I mean really hate? This is your chance to exorcise some of those literature demons you may have. Just push that little review button and I'll see what I can do. **


	2. That's Why the Lady is A Tramp

**Wow! What a lot of great responses! I never expected this many ideas! Obviously I won't be able to do them all but I will definitely do Shakespeare sooner or later! I promise! As well as a few other old standbys in English Classes. Next up is another book I really hated! And I mean really hated! **

**That's Why The Lady Is a Tramp**

"Only at the Xavier Institute you'll find target practice in the middle of English class," Kurt groaned.

"Well it gives new meaning to the words 'book burning'," Amara snickered. 

"Well that was fun," John sighed. "Any other books you want to discuss?"

"How about Madame Bovary?" Thornn suggested. 

"Should have called it Madame Ovary," John grumbled. "You've heard of that book?"

"You'd be surprised at the junk people throw down the sewers," Thornn told him. "Although personally whoever threw down a huge load of Gustave Flaubert books down there made the right call." 

"How can you say that?" Kurt asked. "He was a great writer! He was ahead of his time! He was…" 

"The only writer I know to take all the fun out of a perfectly good slut," John interrupted. 

"The book isn't just about adultery," Kurt told him. 

"Should have been," Thornn grunted. "It would have been a lot more interesting!"

"Wait I've never heard of this book," Amara raised her hand. "What's it about?"

"I'll tell you what it's about," John said. "It's about this doctor guy. Well no sooner does he lose his first wife he goes off and marries the daughter of one of his patients! He should have stuck to cash to pay his bill. He would have been better off."

"Here we go…" Kurt sighed.

"Of course the so called 'lady' he marries is anything but," John continued. "She's a selfish whiny brat who hates living in the suburbs with her husband and kid. I admit the doctor's not exactly a prize. He's ugly, boring and he keeps screwing up on the job so that half his patients' legs keep dropping off."

"Well there's a medical malpractice suit waiting to happen," Bobby said.

"Bingo," John said. "Ironically it's the lawyer for the guy that she first runs around with. I know lawyers screw their clients but this is ridiculous!" 

"This is the boring book?" Jubilee asked. "Doesn't sound boring to me!"

"You haven't read it," Thornn told her. "Trust me. The writer ruined it by going on and on describing things. Like it takes forty paragraphs to describe a pig farm! No thank you! Way too much information here!" 

"Well that was part of his style," Kurt told her. "He came up with a new way of looking at things."

"You mean a new way of being bored," Thornn told him. 

"It's called indirect libre," Kurt said. "Where events are recorded from the view point of a character but not in his voice."

"What does that mean?" Amara asked.

"It means the writer took all the fun out of the book that's what it means," John said. "This is an example: 'When Dodo Brain realized that his lawyer and his wife were making out he considered the fact that he should be slightly upset. And then he was.' But instead of saying like that he takes two hundred pages to describe how that person felt." 

"Oh," Amara nodded. "I see. So what happens?"

"Well basically she dumps the lawyer for some rich guy then goes back to the lawyer again," John said. "Goes broke and decides she's better off dead than being poor with her family. So she shoves some arsenic into her mouth until she croaks, which she should have done at the **beginning **of the book! We would have all been better off!" 

"But it's a classic tale of frustration and depression," Kurt defended.

"Which you get from reading the book," Thornn told him. 

"Look if you're gonna read a book about adultery at least read Lady Chatterly's Lover," John said. "At least it has a few good sex scenes in it and the prig the heroine was married to deserved it!" 

"Or you can just turn on a soap opera," Tabitha suggested.

"Good idea," John nodded. "Hey! Isn't _Days of our Passions in Another World_ on now?" He turned on the television in the room. "Okay kids you wanna learn about adulterous heroines: Here's a prime example!"

"Oh god no…" Kurt groaned as the students got involved in the show. 

"Hey today's the day Monica and Erica get into a catfight at Joan's wedding!" Ray shouted. 

"Why?" Kurt asked.

"Monica's ticked off at Erica for sleeping with her husband and brother," Ray explained. 

"She's one to talk," Tabitha said. "Monica's sleeping with Erica's husband, both her brothers and her uncle!" 

"They also both slept with Joan's fiancée," Bobby added. 

"Which explains why she's now shoving both of them into the wedding cake," John whooped. "I LOVE A GOOD CATFIGHT!"

"I'm starting to love English class!" Ray shouted happily.

"Yeah who wouldn't love an English class filled with book burnings and watching soap operas?" Kurt groaned. 

**Next: Another classic bites the dust! And more fun for all! Stay tuned! **


	3. Lord of the French Fries

**And now, by popular demand here's the next chapter! Because so many of you hated this book I had to do it! **

**Lord of the French Fries**

"Well you can't say I never take you kids anywhere," John announced as he sat down at the table. "Who ordered the Supersize Gut Bomb Burgers?"

"I did," Kurt took them. "Might as well get them before the federal government bans 'em." The class was currently taking up the back two tables at the Gut Bomb. Kurt and Thornn were wearing their image inducers to disguise their true forms. However since most people in Bayville knew what the Xavier kids looked like they steered clear of them and gave them dirty looks.

"Friendly town isn't it?" John grumbled as he noticed several elderly ladies giving him the evil eye. "TAKE A PICTURE! IT LASTS LONGER!" 

"If you haven't noticed already a lot of people in this town hate our guts," Bobby sighed as he ate. 

"Yeah this is one of the few stores in town we haven't been banned from," Rogue sighed. 

"Wonderful," John groaned. He noticed the ladies were still looking at them. "Keep staring! We might do a trick!" Then they hurriedly went to another table. "God I thought people were rude for just being a Native American… Still beats being stuck in class all day. So since this is supposed to be an English class I guess we should discuss a book or something." 

"How about Lord of the Flies by William Gerald Goldberg?" Kurt suggested. "That's a good book." This suggestion was met by a chorus of groans. "What?" 

"I hate that book!" Rogue groaned. "It's so dumb!"

"Yeah I read that book in fifth grade," Bobby grumbled. "**And** sixth grade **and **seventh grade…" 

"Yeah way too gory for my tastes," Tabitha said. "And the plot…Pu-leeze!" 

"Gee a whole bunch of kids left alone on an island go nuts and start killing each other," John guffawed. "**There's **a shocker! I can't leave the classroom two minutes and you guys do that!" 

"It's more than that," Kurt told him. "It's a study of the depths of human nature, how evil and violence exist in the human race."

"I can find that out by turning on the evening news," Jesse quipped.

"Basically Goldberg wrote it in a response to the events of WWII," Kurt told them. "He believed that humans were basically evil and without harsh laws and civilization, we'd all revert to savages." 

"Really? Well **that's** certainly the opposite of what Xavier's been trying to teach you guys!" John chuckled. 

"Sounds like Goldberg and Magneto would get along like a house on fire," Sam mused. 

"Actually Goldberg wrote it as a parody of another book. RM Ballanyne's Coral Island," Kurt explained. 

"You mean this dumb book is actually a rip off of an even **dumber** book?" Ray asked incredulously. 

"Well yes," Kurt told him. "It's about 3 boys named Ralph, Jack and Peterkin who are marooned on a tropical island and have a lot of adventures. You know with cannibals and wild animals and stuff. And they always triumph because they're British. Well, Peterkin's Australian but…"

"Hold on," Bobby held up his hand. "Ralph and Jack and _Peterkin_? I've heard those names before." 

"Yeah they do sound familiar," Jesse remarked.

"They should," Tabitha folded her arms. "Those first two are the names of the main characters in Lord of the Flies."

"And Peterkin sounds a lot like Piggy…" Amara said.

"Hey! He stole them names!" Sam shouted. 

"Man talk about ripping somebody off," Bobby said. "This Goldberg guy didn't even try to hide what he did! That's plagiarism!" 

"This is a lawsuit waiting to happen!" Paige said. "Didn't he get sued?" 

"Yeah Kurt you're the one with all the answers," John looked at him. "Did he?"

"I don't know," Kurt shrugged. 

"Well if he didn't he was pretty damned lucky I'll tell you that," John remarked. "If I was that other guy I would have slapped him with a lawsuit in a second!" 

"Hey have you noticed that there were only guys on that island?" Tabitha thought. 

"Well that explains the ending," Paige said.

"What do you mean?" Bobby asked.

"Think about it," Tabitha told him. "If there were only girls on that island this novel never would have happened!"

"Oh that is just bull!" Ray snapped. 

"No it isn't," Amara said. "More than half of our council of elders in Nova Roma is female. It has been for centuries. In fact usually a Queen rules our country. Which explains why we haven't been to war in so long!" 

"That's so totally bogus," Ray snapped. "Girls are just as capable as guys of causing destruction and death!" 

"Please!" Tabitha snapped. "If girls were on that island, not only would no one be killed, but they'd have built a huge tree house with a swimming pool and a sauna and trained all the little monkeys to be their butlers!" 

"Oh man talk about your deranged fantasies!" Sam groaned. 

"It's true!" Tabitha told him. "If there were any girls in this book this story would not have worked! Face it, girls are way more civilized than guys!" 

"Look who's talking!" Ray shouted. "You're the biggest psycho here and you're a girl!" 

"Okay you're dead!" Tabitha got up and started to chase Ray around. 

"Civilized huh? Give me a break!" Kurt groaned.

"That can be arranged!" Rogue threw her French fries at him. Soon all the students were throwing food at each other. Then the food got mixed in with their powers and a full-blown melee had broken out.

"Oh goody," John grumbled as he took a sip from someone's milkshake. "I think I'm beginning to see **why** we're all banned from half the places in town." He was hit on the head with some fries. "Maybe that Goldberg guy wasn't so off his rocker after all." 


	4. Of Mice and Morons

**Of Mice and Morons**

"Okay kids I think we lost the cops," John looked around from the bushes. They had all barely managed to get out of the Gut Burger before the authorities arrived. Soon they had high tailed it to the park in order to get the police of their tail. "But next time you kids start a food fight in a public restaurant make sure the owner doesn't have 911 on speed dial huh?" 

"Well Pikachu started it," Tabitha grunted.

"Don't call me Pikachu!" Ray started to spark up again.

"Hey! Keep it down!" John snapped. "Last thing we need is for you maniacs to burn down the park. Well at least it's not raining and we got our exercise." 

"Yeah but we're supposed to be in English class," Kurt said.

"Kid I'm here," John rolled his eyes. "It ain't like you're skipping or anything."

"We're not?" Jamie asked.

"Don't you know anything?" Bobby groaned. "It's skipping if the teacher doesn't know about it. If the teacher takes the class out of the classroom, it's a field trip." 

"What kind of field trip for an English class has us running from the cops?" Rogue asked. "Oh yeah, a typical one for us. Ask a stupid question."

"Well maybe we should actually do some kind of book discussion so that we can say we actually did something," John thought aloud.

"Isn't that what started the food fight in the first place?" Rogue asked.

"Well maybe we should talk about a different book?" Jamie asked.

"What book would you like to talk about that you've read?" John asked.

"How about Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck?" Sam suggested. "That's a book we all read in English class." 

"Pretty ironic because it also starts with the two main characters on the run from a lynch mob," John grunted. 

"I hated that book," Rogue groaned. "It was so depressing!" 

"Nearly all English books are depressing," Bobby remarked. "Haven't you noticed that?" 

"Yeah but this one seems to go above and beyond the normal amount of depression you usually find," Rogue said.

"I hear ya," Thornn nodded. "I mean it's all about these two guys who just want to live on a farm peacefully and it ends up one of them blowing the other away." 

"So much for the dreams always come true theory," Amara remarked. 

"It has nothing to do with dreams coming true," Kurt told her. "Actually it's about the predatory nature of human existence."

"Huh?" Ray looked at him.

"Steinbeck was trying to show the harshness of the real world," Kurt continued. "How even the weakest of isolated characters finds power in cruelty."

"Oh yeah I hear what you're saying," Ray said. "Like that Crooks guy making fun of Lennie because he's a retard and then Curley's wife making trouble with Crooks because he's black and she's bored." 

"Basically what Steinbeck is showing that the most visible kind of strength is to destroy those weaker than you are," Kurt said.

"Well isn't this a cheery book to read," John said sarcastically. "Does Xavier or anyone else in the educational system know anything about what these books are actually teaching kids?"

"Why do you think they're mandatory reading?" Rogue huffed. "Have you forgotten what it was like in high school?"

"Oh yeah all the popular students picking on the less popular ones," John said.

"And everyone made fun of us," Amara groaned. "Even the chess team baited us."

"Man that's gotta hurt," John sighed. 

"Almost as much as it did to read that stupid book," Bobby groaned. "Was it just me or was there way too much foreshadowing in it?" 

"Way too much foreshadowing!" Jubilee groaned.

"Yeah even I figured it out," Jamie said. "Lennie on the run for getting in trouble with a woman, Lennie killing a mouse by petting it too hard, Lennie killing a puppy, having the dumb dog get shot because it couldn't take care of itself…We get it already! Sheesh! I mean could it be **more** obvious that Lennie's gonna kill someone and end up getting killed by his best friend?" 

"Yeah what a dumb book," Bobby said. "I mean who wants to even pet a stupid mouse anyway?"

"Well you have one on your leg," Thornn pointed. Sure enough a small brown mouse had climbed up onto Bobby's pants leg. 

"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF ME!" Bobby screamed as he jumped up. He accidentally shot out a few ice beams from his hands in panic. "Don't let it bite me! Don't let it bite me! It has diseases and stuff!" 

"Oh brother," Thornn grumbled as the mouse ran into the grass. "What a wuss. I've eaten rats that looked worse." Everyone looked at her. "Hey don't look at me like that! There aren't exactly any supermarkets in the tunnels you know?"

"Now I know I'm going to be sick!" Bobby groaned. 

"And so is that guy when he defrosts," Rogue pointed. Bobby's blast had hit a park ranger who looked very chilly. 

"Okay kids let's recreate that opening scene from Mice and Men where they're on the run again," John told them. "The object is to try to get back to class without being shot at." 

**Next: One of the most 'popular' authors gets discussed. Rhymes with Bakes Here…So what are your particular beefs with ol' Will? Let me know as I try to figure out how to bash a variety of his plays in one chapter! **


	5. Say it Ain't Shakespeare!

**Wow! Over a hundred reviews already! Thank you all! Well here it is, the writer everyone loves to hate! Let the bashing commence! If you really want fun you should try watching the Reduced Shakespeare Company (I have it on tape). They bash and explain Shakespeare a lot better than I can! **

**Say It Ain't Shakespeare!**

"I can't wait to see what we do in class today," Bobby said as they entered English class. "For once English class is fun."

"We haven't done any work and caused a ton of destruction," Kurt said. "Of course it's fun." 

"Kurt you're starting to turn into a Summers clone," Ray told him. "And that's not a good thing." 

"Well excuse me for loving literature," Kurt grumbled. 

"All right settle down!" John Proudstar told everyone. "We have a lot of work today and we need to get right down to it. Now yesterday Multiple here had a great tip on what horse was running in the fifth. As a result I won over two hundred bucks. Here's your cut kid." John handed him some money. "Now if you all want a piece of the action let's start figuring out these forms." He opened up a newspaper.

"GAMBLING?" Kurt groaned. "What happened to English class? What happened to learning about great literature?"

"Hey if you want literature the comics are right here," John showed him. "Man they got some really good ones today."

"No! I mean we should be discussing great writers like William Shakespeare," Kurt said. 

"Don't get me started on him!" John snapped.

"Too late," Tabitha quipped. 

"What do you have against Shakespeare?" Kurt asked him. 

"Well for starters his plays are too long to read and he don't write in regular English," John told him. 

"Actually that was regular English at the time," Kurt explained. 

"Yeah well the least they could do is translate this stuff so that the rest of us can understand it," John said.

"Shakespeare is the most famous author on the planet," Kurt said.

"Well yeah it's kind of hard to forget somebody they shove down your throat for a couple of years in class," John told him. 

"Shakespeare also added more phrases to the English language than anyone else," Kurt said.

"I'm not surprised," John remarked. "He wrote so many freaking lines no one else got a chance to add anything!" 

"He wrote tons of wonderful plays!" Kurt defended.

"Name one," Ray challenged. "They're all boring!" 

"Just ask me about a play and I'll tell you what I think," John told them. 

"Okay how about Romeo and Juliet?" Tabitha asked.

"The most overused Shakespeare play in the world," John grumbled. "Two dumb kids who can't keep their hands off each other end up dead because they can't control their hormones and let other people run their lives. If Juliet just said, 'Daddy, I'm shacking up with Romeo. Tell Paris to take a hike' and moved out of town things would have been a lot better for everyone!" 

"Hamlet?" Kurt asked.

"The **second **most overused Shakespeare play in the world," John told him. "Only play I know where there are ghosts, sex scandals not to mention everybody **dies** and it's still boring! Four hours wasted that could have been cut down by two! And what's with all this 'To be or not to be' crap? Either kill yourself or get on with it! Geeze! And it's not like there are plenty of other people who want to off you to begin with! Next!" 

"King Lear?" Ray asked.

"It's about how ungrateful brats drive you insane and take all your stuff," John told him. "Sounds a lot like my life lately!" 

"Othello?" Amara asked.

"An interracial romance torn apart by a bigoted jerk," John said. 

"Julius Caesar?" Bobby asked.

"Killing off the main character in the middle of the play is fun but should have stopped right after that," John told him. "Didn't even get to the good stuff like his affair with Cleopatra!" 

"What about Anthony and Cleopatra?" Thornn asked. 

"An indecisive idiot who makes the mistake of falling in love with a whiny bossy girlfriend who's a real pain in the asp." 

"Macbeth?" Jubilee asked.

"There's a reason this play is considered unlucky," John said. "Half the audience dies of boredom while watching it. Although I did like the part where they whacked off the loudmouth kid." 

"A Midsummer's Night's Dream?" Jamie asked. 

"You're gonna be disappointed," John told him. "The fairies in it have nothing to do with characters from Will and Grace. Would have been better off if it did. Although one guy in it literally makes a jackass of himself so it's not a total loss." 

"The Tempest?" Kurt asked. 

"A whole lot of wind over nothing," John remarked. 

"Taming of the Shrew?" Tabitha raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not gonna touch that one with a ten foot pole," John said. "At least not in a class full of girls who could kick my butt." 

"Trolius and Cresseda?" Jubilee asked.

"A stupid play about an unfaithful woman stuck in a war waged over another unfaithful woman," John remarked. 

"Titus Andronicus?" Sam asked. 

"Worst play ever. That's all you need to know." 

"What about all the other comedies and other stuff?" Bobby asked.

"The less said about 'em the better," John told them. "None of them are like the others. They're even crappier. And that's saying something." 

"How about the History plays?" Amara asked.

"Imagine a play form of Ken Burn's Civil War Epic on PBS only a lot more boring and you've got it," John told them. 

"What about the sonnets?" Kurt asked.

"Here's a poem," John remarked. "Violets are blue, roses are red. I am so glad this Shakespeare guy is dead, dead, dead!" 

"Speaking of dead my grades just died," Kurt sighed. "Well there go my last fading hopes of becoming a scholar." 

"Good now can we discuss some writers that are important for a change?" John picked up the newspaper. "Okay everybody turn to the article Jimmy the Greek wrote on how to make the most of your bets." 

"Cool! Hey if we bet on stuff and win can we say it was a school project?" Ray asked.

"Oh lord what fools these mortals be," Kurt moaned. 

**Next: Another book bites the dust. But which one? Well you're just gonna have to wait and see aren't you? **


	6. We've Created a Monster

**We've Created a Monster**

"Look I don't want to be a party pooper but can we please stop watching the races and do some actual work please?" Kurt pleaded. "Before the Professor or someone else walks in and grounds us for a million years?" 

"He has a point," John turned off the television. "Just to play it safe. Besides we didn't win anything and the soap doesn't come on for another half hour." 

"Kurt is there any book that you **do** hate?" Tabitha asked. "Just asking." 

"Well now that you mention it I can't stand Mary Shelly's Frankenstein," Kurt remarked. 

"Now what's wrong with Frankenstein?" Rogue asked. 

"What's wrong with it?" Kurt looked at her. "That book is so confusing! It has too many narrators for one thing."

"Well it was supposed to show the story from multiple perspectives," Rogue said. 

"More like multiple confusion for everyone," Kurt grumbled.

"Its about the pursuit of dangerous knowledge that leads to destruction," Rogue said. 

"Really?" Tabitha blinked. "I thought its main lesson was how twisted society is, that it harms anyone who's different than everyone else."

"Well it was a good movie anyway," Jamie shrugged. "Frankenstein is a cool monster."

"Frankenstein's the name of the scientist! Not the monster dork!" Ray rolled his eyes.

"Oh the Pikachu is calling me a dork," Jamie mocked. "That really hurts!"

"Would you like me to recreate the scene where the monster gets zapped by electricity?" Ray snapped at him.

"You do that and I'll show you why the monster's afraid of fire!" Amara stood up for Jamie. 

"Well what I didn't get is why Frankenstein gets so repulsed by the monster in the first place!" Kurt said. "I mean he did sew him together from dead body parts dug up from the graveyard! What did he expect it would look like? A Calvin Klein model?"

"So the main lesson you got from this story is that mad scientists should have low expectations from their creations?" John asked. 

"Yeah or at least if they're gonna be perfectionists they should at least find better materials to work with!" Kurt told him. 

"Well it's not like he could go down to the local Wal-Mart and get some choice organs or anything," Ray said. 

"But still to reject the monster right after he created him because he didn't look good? That's whack!" Kurt folded his arms.

"Taking this story kind of personally aren't you Kurt?" Tabitha asked.

"What? No way!" Kurt snapped. "It's just a dumb story that's all!"

"No I think she's on to something," Sam said. "Think about it, Magneto performed experiments on you when you were a baby and your momma tossed you over a cliff. If that isn't rejection I don't know what is!"

"Yeah but for once Mystique was trying to do something right by getting him away from Magneto," Rogue grunted. "Of course if she didn't subject him to the experiments in the first place…"

"ALL RIGHT WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH OF A WITCH MY MOTHER IS!" Kurt shouted. "CAN WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT PLEASE?" 

"No we're onto something," Tabitha said. "The majority of villagers in your home town turned against you because they thought you were a monster because of the way you looked. They even tried to burn you alive. That's exactly what happened in the book."

"Thank you for reminding me of that!" Kurt groaned. 

"So you do have a personal reason to hate the book!" Amara said. 

"Hey! I never killed anyone!" Kurt snapped.

"Yeah but you could have," Jesse said. "If your adopted folks weren't so nice." 

"So the monster starts out good but then gets warped because of society and how it treats him," Ray said. "Boy Magneto would have a field day with this one." 

"Yeah he'd love the theme of man fearing and hating what he can't understand," Kurt moaned. 

"As if we didn't see enough of this in our daily lives," Thornn groaned. 

"Yeah that topic has been drilled into our heads so much I wonder if we could ever think of anything else!" Rogue rolled her eyes. "Thanks a lot Kurt! Now I'm hating this book!" 

"Yeah thanks for ruining a perfectly good book!" Paige said. 

"WELL EXCUUUUSSEE ME!" Kurt shouted. "HOW COME YOU CAN TRASH ALL THE BOOKS I LIKE BUT WHEN THERE'S A BOOK I HATE, AND HAVE A LEGITAMATE REASON FOR HATING THE BOOK BY THE WAY, YOU ALL GANG UP ON ME! IT'S NOT FAIR!" 

"Kurt calm down," Rogue said.

"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!" Kurt grabbed the book and teleported to the window. "HOW ABOUT WE JUST FORGET ABOUT LEARNING ANYTING AND TRASH ALL THE BOOKS HERE?" 

"Excuse me I thought I heard…" Ororo knocked on the door and walked in. "Oh my…" 

"Bad book! Bad book!" Kurt was now tearing the pages out of the book and throwing them out the window. "Forget reading these books! Let's just trash them instead! Hahahahahaha!" 

"Kurt!" Ororo gasped. "What are you doing?" 

"I think Kurt's spending way too much time studying," John covered. "He's been working very hard and I think he's snapped."

"GOOD BYE BOOK!" Kurt shouted as he tossed the cover out the window. 

"You think?" Tabitha snickered. 

"It's always the strong ones that snap first," Jamie shook his head. 


	7. A Whale of a Tale

**A Whale of a Tale**

"Hey Kurt," John waved the next day. "You feeling any better?" 

"Ya," Kurt sighed. "I mean once I stopped fighting the notion that we're supposed to be actually learning things in class, I feel much better now." 

"That's the spirit," John said. "Although you did have a point kid. Maybe we should just discuss a book or two to be safe."

"You mean Storm actually believed that line about you teaching the class about Frankenstein?" Tabitha asked. "Man you are lucky."

"Yeah so why don't we just get the slamfest out of the way first, then we'll watch some TV," John told them. "Not like we don't have enough material to use." 

"You know the worst book I ever read was?" Tabitha said. "Moby Dick. Emphasis on the Dick. No I mean the teacher that was a…"

"Yes Tabitha we get the picture," John interrupted. "Moby Dick is a lousy book. Why it's taught in schools I will never understand." 

"Well it is a realistic depiction of life on a whaling ship in the 1800's," Kurt said. 

"It's a depressing depiction of life period," Tabitha groaned. "Who in their right mind wants to learn about how they killed whales?" 

"Yeah **there's** some useful information we need in real life," Paige said sarcastically.

"Well maybe if a killer radioactive whale goes on the rampage downtown," Jamie scratched his head.

"That is so stupid," Ray groaned.

"Considering our lives it's actually a valid possibility," Sam corrected. 

"Oh come on," John told them. "No mutant is that weird." 

"Famous last words," Rogue rolled her eyes. "But actually it's more than about killing whales."

"It is?" Jamie asked.

"Yeah it's about how not to be obsessive about something in life like Ahab was," Rogue told him. "Or it will destroy you."

"Too bad Melville didn't listen to his own advice," John groaned. "Talk about obsessive writing! It destroyed any chance it had about being an enjoyable book! He goes on and on about every little thing! I mean a hundred and thirty five chapters? And at least fifty of them on different types of whales? Can you say 'bad editing'?" 

"Yeah every other chapter it was they stab the whale, then the whale gets away," Rogue groaned. "Stab the whale, whale gets away…Stab the whale…Whale gets away…Get on with the plot already! By the end of the book I was rooting for the whale to kill them all!" 

"Which it does," John said. "You must have been happy."

"No it didn't kill Ishmael the stupid narrator," Rogue said. "If it had there wouldn't have been this book now would there?"

"She has a point," Kurt said. "Anybody notice that the only civilized character was Queequeg the cannibal?"

"Well duh," John said. "That's called irony." 

"I have a question," Jamie said. "Who wants to kill a whale anyway these days?" 

"Yeah with all the scientific chemicals we can create nowadays who needs to kill whales?" Ray asked. "Well besides the Inuit because it's a part of their traditions and culture."

"Nice save," John remarked. "But even we Native Americans never did as much overkill as Whitey! I mean what is it with the Man and blowing away every species on the planet? And how much you wanna bet we mutants are next?"

"Well there's a cheery thought," Rogue muttered. 

"Well that's it!" John slammed his fist on the desk. "The buck stops here! We're gonna stop the Man! Everybody! Down with the Man! Come on say it!"

"Down with the man?" The students responded in a confused tone. 

"No, no, no…" John shook his head. "Like this! DOWN WITH THE MAN! EVERYBODY!"

"Down with the Man!" The kids said.

"Louder!" 

"DOWN WITH THE MAN!" 

"AGAIN! STAND UP AND SAY IT WITH FEELING!"

"DOWN WITH THE MAN!" The students jumped up and yelled. "DOWN WITH THE MAN!"

"YEAH DOWN WITH THE MAN!" John jumped on his desk. "DOWN WITH WHITEY! BURN HIM! BURN HIM! KICK HIM WHERE IT HURTS! REVOLUTION! YEAH!!!!"

"WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?" Scott walked into the classroom. "What's all the noise about?" 

"Uh…" John was trying to come up with an excuse. "Would you believe the kids are really passionate about saving the whales?" 


	8. That Mockingbird Won't Sing

**That Mockingbird Won't Sing**

A week later after a certain few incidents which included a Danger Room session gone wrong and an island that literally wanted to eat them alive John Proudstar found himself reluctantly back in English class. "I still don't see why I have to teach this class," John groaned. 

"Co-teach," Hank told him. "I will be assisting you. Let's face it we have too few instructors around here and maybe I can train you to some degree so you can do more than just teach gym. Especially since Logan is more than proficient in that department!"

"Yeah but my classes weren't that bad," John huffed.

"Not that bad?" Hank whirled on him. "Thunderbird, in less than a week you drove Kurt crazy, incited a few minor riots, destroyed several books for target practice, got mutants banned from **another **eating institution, gained us several more angry phone calls with the police department and their lawyers, encouraged a gambling ring in class and worst of all, YOU TRASHED SHAKESPEARE! Need I say more?" 

"You forgot watching soaps in class," John reminded him.

"Well actually I didn't," Hank sighed. "I have to concur it's been a really good week lately. I still can't believe Jane ended up marrying her fiancée's father!" 

"I told you she was a gold digger," John said as the kids entered the classroom.

"All right class now I know we're a little behind," Hank addressed the classroom. "So why don't we just jump right in on the book To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee?"

"Oh god no I hate that book!" John groaned. 

"What on earth do you have against To Kill A Mockingbird?" Hank asked. "It's about compassion in a world filled with bigotry and hatred!"

"Well for starters it's a bit unrealistic," John said. "The narrator is supposed to be a kid but she sounds more like an adult!"

"You mean more adult than some adults," Hank quipped. "John this is the perfect book for children. It teaches not to judge people by appearances."

"Yeah that really worked well with the black guy on trial," John remarked. "There's tons of evidence that he was innocent but he was sentenced to jail and shot to death anyway! Yeah there's justice for you!"

"Well…" Hank felt a little uncomfortable.

"And of course the one sane decent white guy in town is targeted just for sticking up for him," John remarked. "His kids are even attacked for crying out loud! You know what message it sends? It says that anybody in the minority is a target from the majority! Yeah there's a great lesson for mutants!" 

"Okay I'll concede on that but…" Hank tried to ignore the amused looks of the students. 

"And that Everell guy that started all this," John continued. "He ruined nearly everyone's lives in the book. His daughter, the guy he framed, even Atticus' kids! It just shows you how people with just a little power can use it to make those who are weaker than they are miserable!"

"Sounds like another book we talked about," Sam grinned. 

"You do make some valid points," Hank said. "But all the same…"

"And those stupid little escapades those kids go on," John grumbled. "Yeah they were amusing but they had no real place in the book!"

"You tell 'em teach!" Bobby said. "Hey maybe Boo Radley was really a mutant?" 

"Oh no!" Hank held up his hand. "We are **not **getting on that subject! We'll be here all night arguing it!" 

"All the same the movie with Gregory Peck was better," John waved.

"Hey did you watch that greatest heroes and villains in the movies special?" Jamie asked. "Atticus Finch was the greatest hero and Hannibal Lecter was the worst villain!"

"Okay Lecter I'm not surprised," Tabitha said. "But I was sure Indiana Jones was number one!" 

"Nah he got robbed," Jesse told her.

"Hey maybe there should be a cage match between Atticus and Hannibal Lecter!" Sam suggested.

"Yeah that would be cool!" Ray shouted. "Atticus would give him a rib crusher while Hannibal tries to eat his face off!" 

"Hannibal would wipe the floor with him," Tabitha said.

"Nuh uh!" Paige snapped. "I think Atticus would come on top!"

"Yeah he'd really lay the smack down on him!" Ray said. "Hey we can make that a project of some kind! Like Celebrity Deathmatch!"

"Oh wow yeah!" Bobby shouted. "That would be so awesome! We could have Atticus have some kind of super gavel as a weapon and Hannibal would have like a cooking fork or something!" 

"Yeah and it could be a cage match and everything!" Jamie shouted.

"Well with a cannibal around you wouldn't want him loose or anything," John remarked. "Better put some barbed wire and sharks around the tank just in case."

"PROUDSTAR!" Hank shouted. 

"What?" John asked. "You want them to get excited about literature right?" 

"Oh yes that's all we need," Hank moaned. "Two fictional characters in a cage deathmatch. Yeah that's the message we're trying to convey here."

"We're supposed to teach them some kind of message?" John asked.

"Never mind!" Hank moaned. "Maybe we should do another book…" 


	9. A Red Letter Day

**A Red Letter Day**

"Okay, Okay…" Hank groaned ten minutes later. "Since obviously we're not going to get anything done with that last book we'll try another one. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne." He picked up the book and showed it to them. 

"Oh man that one's even worse!" John groaned. 

"What can you possibly have against the Scarlet Letter?" Hank asked. 

"You have a few hours?" John remarked. "The characterizations are boring at best. Hawthorne doesn't allow the reader to draw their own conclusions, but shoves his opinions down the reader's throat. There's no decent dialogue and there's way too much symbolism. I mean does that hyperactive brat Pearl have to be bathed in sunlight everywhere she goes?" 

"Hmm," Hank blinked. "You do have some good points. I guess I was wrong about you Thunderbird, you do have some grasp on the qualities of literature after all." 

"And worst of all for a so called romance nobody gets naked!" John complained. "Would it have killed the guy to write one decent sex scene? There were plenty of opportunities but he blew it! When I read a romance, if I do have to read a romance I want action!" 

"Then again…" Hank grumbled. "Maybe my earlier assessment was closer to the truth." 

"You gotta admit he does have a point," Bobby said. "It was a pretty lame book."

"I hate Hester," Amara grunted. "What a sap she was." 

"I can't believe she didn't tell everyone that Dimmesdale jerk was the father," Tabitha grumbled. "Preacher or not I'd have blabbed it to anyone who would listen!"

"Maybe she was holding out for the book rights?" Bobby asked.

"Maybe because she was an idiot!" Tabitha grunted. "Most of the stuff in the book would have never happened if that spineless jerk just told the truth in the first place!" 

"Yeah it takes two to tango last I checked!" Amara shouted. 

"Well you do have a point," Hank said. "But the book is more about sin and guilt in general rather than the actual act of adultery. Ironically by committing this sin and through repentance Hester becomes more empowered. In fact, in many ways she becomes a vital asset to the community." 

"Oh yeah she's a valued member of the community all right," Amara grumbled. "But they still make her wear that A and let the kids throw mud at her! And they make her live outside of town!"

"Sounds just like our lives!" Tabitha snapped. "No matter how many good things we do and how skilled we are the best we can get around here is a grudging respect while they slam us in the newspapers! I mean we saved the freaking world for crying out loud! What more do they want?" 

"This discussion is **not** going the way I intended," Hank sighed. 

"Yeah that happens a lot in this class," Kurt remarked. 

"And that Chillingsworth guy has a lot of nerve trying to take revenge on the guy who slept with his wife," Tabitha said. "In the first place it was a marriage of convenience and in the second he ditches her for two years! Of course when someone else wants her, then he wants her back! What a jerk!"

"Yeah but Dimmesdale was a jerk too so they deserve each other," Amara said. 

"I think Hester should have told them both off, revealed to everyone who the father was and then leave town," Thornn said. "After burning it to the ground! Serves 'em right for treating her like that!" 

"People that doesn't exactly fit in with the point of the book!" Hank groaned. "You know about forgiveness for sins and how if you don't repent they can destroy you?"

"Who cares?" John said. "I'm with Boom Boom! At least in the Demi Moore film we got to see her naked. Hey maybe we should…"

"We are not watching that version in class!" Hank shouted. "Doesn't anybody care about literature around here?"

"Not really no," John said. 

"Forget it Mr. McCoy," Kurt sighed. "I don't think you're going to get anywhere with this group. I learned the hard way to just sit back and enjoy the ride." 

"Kurt I'm starting to understand why you had that little outburst in class the other day," Hank sighed as he threw the book over his shoulder. 


	10. You're All Animals

**Well fellow literary enthusiasts, this may be the end of the fic, but fear not! There will be more of these book bashings in stories to come. There are just so many books and so little time to get them in one fic. Especially when I can spread 'em around! So if I haven't gotten to a particular book in this fic, I will do so in future ones! I promise! And so to conclude this tale let me just say to all those who think that a little criticism of these 'beloved' books is unjustified…**

**You're All Animals**

"Fine! We'll try another book!" Hank groaned. He was clearly at the end of his rope. "Animal Farm by George Orwell…ALL RIGHT WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST **THIS** BOOK?" He roared seeing John make a face at the suggestion. 

"Talking animals?" John asked. "Kind of unrealistic if you ask me."

"Maybe they were mutants?" Bobby asked.

"They were not mutants!" Hank shouted. "It's supposed to be an allegory! A fable! They're allowed to talk in a fable!" 

"The book is about communism and how it goes wrong," Jamie groaned. "A parody of the Soviet Union during the cold war. Snowball is supposed to be Trotsky and Napoleon is Stalin! We get it!" 

"Well Magneto would like Napoleon in this story," Rogue grunted. "They're both fascist pigs."

"So's Kelly and all those FOH jerks," Bobby remarked. 

"Yeah but it's more about the corruption of socialist ideas in the Soviet Union," Kurt said. "There are some principals of socialism worth studying."

"You gotta be kidding me!" Rogue groaned. 

"No I'm serious," Kurt said. "Europeans have been studying socialism for some time and implementing some of its ideas." 

"Oh come on," Sam said. "Socialism just doesn't work. Look at what happened to Boxer! He worked hard all his life and what did he get for his loyalty? Sold to the glue factory so the pigs could get more booze!" 

"Yes but he was pointing out the folly of human leaders that run socialist states," Kurt remarked. "And by simply following them blindly it can destroy people. However with vigilance…"

"Oh you are not seriously defending socialism are you?" Rogue asked. 

"Several countries implement some kind of socialist principles in their government. Take Canada's free health care policy for example," Kurt said. "That conflicts with capitalism." 

"Just to satisfy my curiosity is there any book you **do** like?" Hank asked John sarcastically, ignoring the class. 

"Well that Trump book on how to get rich sounds pretty good," John remarked.

Xavier wheeled into the room. "So how is it…" He stopped as he looked at the scene. "Going?" 

The students and the teachers were arguing amongst themselves. "I'm just saying that in a utopian society…" Kurt protested.

"There is no such thing as a utopian society!" Rogue shouted. "Orwell said it was a pipe dream!"

"That was not the main point of the book!" Sam shouted.

"Yes it was!" Paige said. 

"HOW CAN YOU COMPARE THE GENIUS OF SHAKESPEARE WITH A HACK LIKE TRUMP?" Hank shouted. 

"EASY! TRUMP ISN'T AS DULL AS HE IS!" John shouted. 

"THAT'S IT!" Hank shouted. "I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU!"

"BRING IT ON HAIRBALL!" John shouted. Soon both men were fighting each other in the classroom.

They weren't the only ones. "Take a good look at American history pal," Tabitha shouted. "There's never such a thing as true equality even in a classless society!"

"That is total bull!" Ray shouted. "The point of a equal society is a classless one!"

"That's what I've been trying to say about socialism!" Kurt shouted. 

"Aw forget socialism! There's no place for other opinions in a democracy!" Bobby shouted. Soon the students were fighting with each other as well. 

"Oh god…" Xavier moaned. "I can't tell which are the students and which are the teachers anymore!" 


End file.
